King in the North

Is Andy Burnham a power player? Or just playing at power?

British politics is in a constant state of flux.

Parties built on the backs of working men transition, seemingly overnight, into ideological playgrounds for an out of touch, gentrified, gender bending elite.

Yesterday’s military heroes are hounded through the courts by a government which states that today its ‘highest priority’, is servicing the needs of foreign activists, who encourage their followers to kill white people, police officers, and Jews.

Weirdo insurgent parties run by gap toothed boob boosters and economically illiterate communists swoop in from nowhere, to gobble up millions of votes.

And the once dependable Conservative Party, burns through useless, clueless Prime Ministers, faster than Bonnie Blue burns through paramours.

It’s an ever shifting political landscape, dynamic, distracting, dizzying, and discombobulating.

But however confusing things get, there is one rock, one absolute, one constant, we can always depend on.

The modern Labour Party’s utter contempt for democracy.

There’s not a ballot it won’t corrupt, a poll it won’t rig, an election it won’t nobble, a boundary it won’t gerrymander, a minority it won’t promote, (apart from you Jews of course!), a child it won’t enfranchise, and an inconvenient, bothersome, result it won’t ignore.

Yet even among these demos disdaining democracy dodgers, no one finds the electorate more odious, gauche, vulgar, superfluous, and repellent, than Sir Keir Starmer.

On the grounds that the British public are too thick, gullible, and racist, to decide their own future, ‘Let Me Be Clear’ Keir has spent the last ten years, working night and day, to overturn the largest popular vote in British history, Brexit.

And fearing that the same insubordinate plebs who refused to cast their ballots as instructed in 2016, might do another wrong-vote, and choose Nigel Farage’s Reform Party to run their local council, he has just seen fit to cancel twenty nine local elections.

Last week it became personal, with Starmer nobbling his own opposition, and blocking ‘King in the North’ Andy Burnham, from running in the Gorton and Denton by(e bye Sir Keir) election.

A vote which could have potentially seen Burnham returning to parliament as an MP, challenging Starmer for leadership of the Labour Party, and even becoming Prime Minister.

Gorton and Denton is up for grabs after sitting Labour MP, Andrew Gwynne, was unceremoniously given the boot stood down with his honour intact, when a parliamentary investigation into his personal What’s App messages revealed he had

‘joked about a local cycling campaigner being “mown down”, suggested that a local vicar be “burned on a bonfire” and made derogatory comments about Angela Rayner and Diane Abbott.’

Maybe Andrew Gwynne should come and try his luck as an Independent in my local constituency.

He certainly sounds like the sort of candidate I could get behind.

Starmer managed to block Andy Burnham by invoking a deep rooted, long standing, and well established, clause in the Labour rulebook, which states that as elected Mayor of Greater Manchester, Burnham had to ask “express permission” from Labour Party politburo, the NEC before he could run for Parliament.

Oh hang on.

A quick check reveals it is not a deep rooted, long standing, or well established clause, after all.

As I understand it, Sneaky Starmer himself created this new stipulation with the express purpose of stopping Andy Burnham’s leadership bid in its tracks.

And then inserted it in the regulations way back at the beginning of 2026.

So….. about three weeks ago.

People keep telling me that Andy Burnham is a shrewd political operator, but really?

This is basic stuff.

It’s Labour backstabbing, rulebook manipulation, committee stacking, and shifty double dealing, 101.

Falling foul of such an obvious manoeuvre marks Burnham out as a bit of a dunce.

Sure. He’s not as congenitally thick as David Lammy, dense as Jess Phillips, or as witless as Lucy Nando’s, but by falling for such an obvious ruse, he is in danger of placing himself in the same ball park.

The self styled ‘King in The North’ might be trying to convince a restless Labour Party that he’s more Sean Bean, than has-been, but so far he’s only succeeded in coming across as Mr Bean.

After much backbench grumbling, Starmer himself stepped in to justify the block.

Pointing out that if Burnham won a Commons seat, the taxpayer would be on the hook for a costly vote to elect a brand new Manchester Mayor.

Which would waste precious resources at a time when, for some unaccountable reason, the British economy has been spending more time on its knees, than your average female prison officer.

And for once Sir Keir is 100% correct.

The British public really has got much more important things to spend its money on. Like free hotels, healthcare, and legal fees for our ever growing haul of illegal immigrants.

Or unnecessarily showering Mauritius with £30 bn of our hard earned wages, just so it will agree to take vital British sovereign territory off our hands, and give it to China.

And let’s not forget the expense of buying tearaway teenage terrorist Shamima Begum a first class plane ticket back to Blighty.

Trust me. She’s on her way.

But what of Burnham himself?

The Manchester Mayor claims, with a straight face, that his desperate desire to return to Westminster is not motivated by unquenchable egomania, unshakable self regard, or vainglorious ambition, but is instead prompted by a communitarian desire

‘to prevent the divisive politics of Reform…’

Riiiiiiight Andy…

You’re fighting divisive politics.

By literally ripping your own party apart.

Got it.

Thats like Gary Neville claiming he’s tearing down England flags. To promote patriotism.

(Which if I remember correctly, is exactly what he did claim….)

Even if he made it to Westminster Burnham would have faced another obstacle to any leadership bid. The requirement for a challenger to secure the backing of at least eighty Labour MPs.

Though I expect Burnham’s bid would have been so over subscribed the voting lobby would have resembled an episode of Record Breakers, where Roy Castle tried to find out how many school kids he could squeeze into a telephone box.

And who can blame Labour backbenchers for wanting a change of leader?

Surely anyone would be an improvement on Keir Starmer.

A human PowerPoint presentation with all the personality of a ring road Travelodge.

So it’s no wonder Labour activists are not happy with the NEC’s block, and have written a letter demanding that Prime Minister Starmer does what he does best, and U-turns on his decision.

I won’t quote their heartfelt letter here, it’s far too boring, and you can probably guess what it says.

I only mention it because despite the identities of the signatories being kept private, I have, in a scoop for this Substack, learned the names of some of the leading Labour activists involved.

They include,

Sue Angry. Barry Worker. Dee Sabled. Tracey Nose Ring-Blue Hair. Phoebe Oxbridge. Reg Orgreave. Jen O’Side. Pippa Paements. And Rayne Bowlanyard.

Burnham might like to play the part of a no nonsense northerner, a salt of the earth outsider, the ultimate Mancunian maverick.

But the reality is that this Scouser is a well connected Cambridge graduate, who spent decades as a Westminster insider.

Rising from special advisor, to become Chief Secretary to the Treasury, and then Health Secretary, under Gordon Brown.

In fact he only stormed off North in a huff when the Labour Party rejected his previous tilt at the leadership. Twice.

Still, when it comes to cos-playing a two dimensional northern stereotype, Andy is 100% authentic.

Asked by the lovely ladies of Mumsnet to name his favourite biscuit, he demurred, then readjusted his trouser ferret, channelled his inner Fred Dibnah, and announced that his parochial culinary preferences stretched no further than,

‘Beer, chips and gravy.’

OK Andy. Calm down.

You do know mate, that there’s such a thing as trying too hard.

I mean your arch rival Angela Rayner (I could be wrong, but I remain super sceptical that wide faced Wes is a genuine contender) doesn’t feel the need to pander to a crude Northern stereotype.

She’s authentically vulgar, profane, and crass.

It oozes from her working class pores, like hangover sweat, the morning after a Bigg Market hen do.

And no, I don’t mean that as a slur. It’s genuinely one of her most appealing features.

Our Ange is the real deal. She even manages to make calling Tories ‘scum’, while dodging paying stamp duty, on one of her three luxury homes, sound authentic.

But credit where it is due.

Burnham seems to have done a pretty good job as Manchester Mayor.

I visit the city occasionally, and sure, it’s got its problems, but overall, it appears to be doing quite well.

Manchester boasts a proud identity, displays an enviable sense of community, enjoys a thriving night life, and has a booming economy.

You can even travel from one side of it to the other on the excellent tram system, (I’ve seen lots of bad reviews, but I will always recommend it over bus, or taxi), without being unduly concerned that you’ll arrive at your destination, plus some stab wounds, and minus you iphone.

It’s basically paradise compared with the post apocalyptic, Snake Plisskin inspired dystopia, of Sadiq Khan’s London.

And let’s not get started on the inner circle of sectarian hell which is the Islamic Caliphate of bin bag Birmingham.

Burnham’s supporters also point to his popularity in the city, emphasising that he is the

‘politician who won every ward in Manchester last time he was up for re-election’

Although let’s be honest, saying Mancunians are fans of Andy Burnham, is a bit like saying that Scots are devotees of Sean Connery.

Or that Scousers are big advocates of the Beatles, Ricky Tomlinson, and telling you what an amazing, unique, sense of humour they’ve got, just before they take instant offence at some innocuous comment, and punch you in the face.

But let’s remind ourselves why the PLP really wants to get rid of Starmer.

It’s certainly not because he is unpopular. Backbench Labour MPs don’t care what the voters think of their rubbish, misanthropic leaders, any more than they care for our opinions regarding their racist, rotten, nation-wrecking policies.

And it’s not like these sixth form socialists are concerned their leaders are bankrupting Britain. Their main issue is that Starmer isn’t bankrupting us fast enough.

And they’re not complaining that there is too much immigration, in fact they constantly gripe that Starmer has failed to throw open Britain’s borders wide enough.

And you won’t hear them moan that taxes are too high, it is their opinion that greedy British workers are not being taxed nearly enough.

In short, the far left loonies who hold the whip hand of the Parliamentary Labour party see Starmer as a capitalist shill. A far-right Brownshirt.

A gang smasher, immigrant basher, and benefits snatcher.

A blank eyed block on their joyless jihad, their sacred mission, their holy crusade to transform Britain into an equitable, kindly, internationalist, communist nirvana.

Where, for the lucky People’s benefit, safety, wellbeing, and happiness they will grant themselves the irrescindable power to set every wage. Fix every price. Cap every rent. Close every business. Prosecute every soldier. Smear every patriot. Burn every book. Denounce every hero. Define every woman. Outlaw every pleasure. Open every border. Log every thought. Pick every pocket. Censor every film. Ration every freedom. Castrate every child. Rewrite every story. Read every message. Ban every joke. Invade every bathroom. Pillage every asset. Drag Queen every story hour. Plunder every inheritance. Shut every pub. Surveil every street. Bankrupt every landlord. Emasculate every man. Silence every critic. Legalise every crime. Denigrate every history. Promote every perversion. Smother every ambition. And crush every hope.

In short.

Everything in the State, nothing outside the State, nothing against the State.

That’s enough for today.

But before we go, let’s return briefly to Andy Burnham.

Though his battle for the top job might be on hold for now, his quest to wrench the crown from Starmer is far from over.

But life imitates art, and it might be worth noting the fate of that other ‘King in the North’,* the one from long running TV show, Game of Thrones.

A good man, way out his depth, this king was out played, out schemed, and out manoeuvred by a brutal, merciless female rival.

And in the end, she had him decapitated. He didn’t even make it past the first series.

(*I know dweebs. Technically ‘Warden of the North.’)

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