Sloppy Joe

Joe Biden’s America mirrors the frail, confused, and weak man he has become.

A few years ago the BBC (re)launched an online streaming service called BritBox, one of its occasional, pointless, and vainglorious attempts to ‘take on Netflix’.

Here’s another one, Freely, announced, just this week

These ‘challenges’ never succeed. And it’s easy to see why.

This year Netflix is set to spend $17bn of their willing subscribers’ money on content. They will produce, or buy, programming covering a huge range of genres, presenting stories from every continent, and it feels like, pretty much every country, on the planet.

On Netflix you can find everything from Korean satires, based on reality television. To British reality television, based on Korean satires.

Meanwhile the BBC will prise £1.75bn ($2.2bn dollars) from taxpayers’ reluctant, prison threatened, fingers, which it will then spend spewing out morally fortifying lectures, disguised as news and entertainment, to the low information gammons, bigots and xenophobes, who it seems to believe, make up its ever dwindling audience.

Sure, Netflix has its share of cringy content. But you can, with a little care, discover plenty of decent shows which aren’t awash with wokish ideology, especially if you don’t mind the occasional subtitle.

For BritBox, the BBC teamed up with domestic rival ITV studios. The UK’s main commercial broadcaster, and home to more populist programming, such our version of international hits, Got Talent and X Factor.

This collaboration meant that one of the flagship launch programmes was a reboot of ITV’s popular 80s puppet based satire, Spitting Image.

Apparently the Spitting Image producers were looking for sketch writers, and my agent suggested I send them a couple of ideas, to see if they were interested in my stuff.

I’m not really a sketch writer. One liners and voice over scripts being more my specialty, but I wasn’t very busy, so I thought I’d give it a go.

I knew they’d be flooded with skits about Donald Trump being a fat, orange, tiny handed, baby, or Boris Johnson slowly turning into a cake, eating himself, and then lying about it, so I thought I’d pick some different targets.

I wrote three sketches.

One featured the late Queen scolding her son Prince Andrew for alleged indiscretions with the young acquaintances of his good pal Jeffrey Epstein.

The idea was that during the sketch Prince Andrew’s arms would grow and grow, (this was a puppet show don’t forget) until they had become outrageously long and spindly, and he resembled the Mr Men’s Mr Tickle. He would then use these gangly appendages to grab at, and tickle, any young female members of the royal household unfortunate enough to be passing by.

Andrew also sweated so much that the Queen’s throne room was soon flooded, and the fire brigade had to rescue Her Majesty in a canoe.

Highbrow it wasn’t.

My second sketch featured Greta Thunberg. In it she officially joined the original four, to become the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse. They galloped their steeds to the G7 Conference, and informed the assembled world leaders they were all doomed. It was quite fun.

And the third, simplest of the sketches, featured the yet to be inaugurated President Joe Biden, walking into the Oval Office, looking confused, asking,

‘What did I come in here for again?’ Before wandering out again, in a daze.

That was it.

My agent sent off the sketches.

Unsurprisingly, I never heard back from either BritBox, or Spitting Image.

But I can’t help but wonder, if I resubmitted that last sketch today (I won’t), if they might actually use it. (They wouldn’t)

It’s becoming increasingly obvious, if there really was any doubt, that Joe Biden is unwell.

First elected senator in 1972, it’s clearly time for Biden to wake up and smell the coffee. (I said ‘coffee’ Joe. Not that eight year old girl’s hair.) And accept that he is no longer the razor sharp intellect he once was.

Some say Joe was never that bright.

But that’s nonsense.

No dummy could set up an almost impenetrable web of shell companies, and then, over a period of decades, use that network to hide a multi million dollar family business he had created, selling (the illusion) of access to the highest levels of American government, to dodgy foreign companies and regimes, then get caught pretty much red handed, and still seemingly get away with it.

That takes serious smarts.

In a damning report which I’m sure you’ve all read, the Department of Justice concludes that Biden shouldn’t be prosecuted for keeping confidential government documents at home. The reasoning; he is no longer capable of remembering ‘certain key facts’, and is simply a

“well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory”.

According to special prosecutor Robert Hur, Joe Biden has a memory like a sieve.

Or America’s Southern border.

For years now we have been reassured that Joe Biden isn’t presenting the symptoms of a long term degenerative illness. Oh no. He is simply ‘gaffe prone’, the legacy of a one time speaking impediment.

And that makes sense. Everyone knows that a ‘childhood stutter’ can, for decades afterwards, cause sufferers to shake hands with shadows, wander off stage while presenting the Medal Of Honour, and have deep and meaningful conversations with the ghosts of long dead French presidents.

Of course while Biden’s ‘gaffes’ are dismissed as perfectly natural, when Donald Trump, at seventy seven, no spring chicken himself, mixes up Nikki Haley with Nancy Pelosi on one solitary occasion, it is treated as a sure sign that he is unfit for office.

Washington’s ruling elite might have only just noticed that Joe is a few Proud Boys short of an insurrection. But the American public has long been aware of his cognitive decline.

NBC recently released a survey revealing that three in four voters had ‘concerns about the president’s ability to do his job.’

Although it didn’t say if that was because of his deteriorating mental state, or simply because they had watched him do it for the last three years.

But how impaired is Joe Biden exactly?

He’s now so muddled he thinks he actually won in 2020.

That’s a joke. Probably.

Was there election fraud?

To be honest. I’m not sure. But forget ballot tampering. If the deep state’s suppression, and the media’s censorship, of the Hunter Biden laptop story, just prior to the vote doesn’t qualify as ‘election interference’,  I don’t know what does.

But even if Biden won fairly.

He has certainly not governed fairly.

During his inaugural address Biden promised unity and reconciliation. He claimed he wanted Americans to

‘Join forces, stop the shouting and lower the temperature’

Before going on to preside over the most partisan, vindictive and rancorous administration in living memory.

His government has introduced a two tier justice system. Encouraged, and participated in the systematic censoring and persecution of conservatives. Attempted to silence, then when that didn’t work, imprison, its political rivals. And has promoted racially biased policies, which have once again, helped make institutional, race based, segregation an ugly part of American life.

All in the cause of ‘equity’. The process of stealing resources from the poor and middle classes, and funnelling them to the elite’s favoured client groups, in the spurious name of social justice.

In many ways Biden’s decline has mirrored the sorry decline of the US under his leadership.

Befuddled, America has seemingly forgotten its own past. Confusing a complex but rich history for a Manichean morality play. One in which every historical figure loses all humanity, depth and nuance, to become a one dimensional stereotype, a simple Goodie or Baddie.

And like a bewildered senior, the US can no longer be trusted with its own money. Babbling incoherent stories about ‘Inflation Reduction’ while shovelling trillions of borrowed cash into unworkable green boondoggles, and pork barrel scams. While enriching the ruling classes with taxpayers’ money on an industrial scale.

A doddering and forgetful homeowner, America has become neglectful of household security, leaving the back door open, inviting the neighbours to wander in, take what they want, make themselves at home, and stay as long as they like.

So much for its own back yard. Enfeebled, aged and ailing, America no longer seems capable of confronting its enemies abroad.  With adversaries sensing this growing frailty, America comes under increasing threat from the world’s thugs, bandits and bullies.

And perhaps most worrying of all, like a creepy old man, America has sadly descended to loitering outside (and more scandalously inside) schools, sexualising children, and attempting to engage them in inappropriate, lewd, and exploitative behaviour.

It’s not a good look for a great country.

In an ill conceived attempt at damage limitation, Biden held an impromptu press conference.

But rather than reassure Americans that all is well, Biden only confirmed their worst fears, getting angry, aggressive and petulant.

Yelling at reporters like a drunk shouting at his friends that, yes, he’s perfectly fine to drive. Thank YOU very much!

Before puking on his own shoes and dropping his car keys in a dog turd.

How else might Biden reassure concerned voters?

Maybe he could wander off down the high street in his pyjamas, just to prove his mental acuity.

With Biden’s mental frailty finally being openly acknowledged, there appears less and less chance that the powers behind the commode will allow the President to run this November.

Perhaps Dr Jill will persuade Joe to go voluntarily, to leave power with the dignity his office merits.

Let’s hope so, at least that way they won’t have to call in Hillary, to pay him a late night visit, with her special transfer-of-power pillow.

(That is also a joke. Please don’t kill me Mrs Clinton.)

Whatever happens next, make no mistake, this is the end.

One thing’s for sure, the shadowy Democratic cabal which actually controls the White House will not allow Vice President Kamala Harris to take over.

She polls almost as poorly as her boss.

Harris is hardly an intellectual powerhouse herself. Even with her mental facilities intact, the Vice President comes across as someone who could be easily outsmarted by a class of snoozing six year olds, and a bowl of frogspawn.

Of course they can’t very well defenestrate one of America’s most famous, and nominally powerful, black women.

But maybe they can replace her with an even more famous and powerful, American black woman.

A few weeks ago I thought about putting on a bet that the next President of the United States would be Michelle Obama.

Thinking I was well ahead of the curve, I assumed I’d be offered odds of 300-1 or something. Nope. When I checked they were just 16-1. So I didn’t bother.

Today they’re offering 11-1. 

It all makes perfect sense. The polling suggests that currently Joe Biden would lose to Trump, but a challenge from Michelle Obama would be a much closer contest.

Plus she’s a black woman (steady at the back, we’ve all seen the memes) which means she could (supposedly) be relied on to bring out the minority, and liberal vote.

And best of all, she’s the continuity candidate.

After all there’s a good argument that the Obamas never really left office.

Just look at this footage from 2022 of President Biden wandering around aimlessly at a White House event, while Barack Obama, the real power in the room, glad-hands the great and the good, the Washington elite.

I expect there’s only one question in the highest Democratic Party circles right now. Can we really get rid of Joe, bypass the primaries, install our chosen candidate, and beat Trump, to secure the illiberal left’s hold on power for another eight years?

They look to Michelle Obama and think.

Yes we can.

***** ***** ***** *****

JOE BIDEN. EXIT: STAGE LEFT.

Actually he’s going to the right. No. Wait a minute. He’s not sure. He’s gone back to the podium. What now?…. Ok. Now he’s fallen over.

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