Zero Worship

The Tory Leadership campaign has been a pygmy parade.

Do you remember that little aide memoire they taught us in school?

Back in the days when they used to teach children in schools, and not simply tell them that putting up their parents’ taxes can fix the weather, or that the heroes who defeated Hitler, were also literally Hitler? 

The little saying that helped you remember the fates of the six unfortunate wives of Henry the 8th?

Divorced. Beheaded. Died. Divorced. Beheaded. Survived.

I thought that maybe I could start a post about the Tory party leadership contest by applying the same logic to the various different fates which befell the five sad sack Tory leaders we endured from 2010 to 2024. From Cameron to Sunak.

But it didn’t really work. Because when I actually thought about it. The best I could come up with was.

Beheaded. Beheaded. Beheaded. Beheaded. Beheaded.

So I won’t be starting this post with that. We’ll have to think of something else.

Of course, it would be easy to begin by gleefully rehashing the details of the Tory apocalypse at this year’s general election.

So let’s do that.

Over the course of a single parliament, the hapless, hopeless Tories somehow managed to turn an 80 seat majority into a 244 seat loss. They are now left with a rump of 121 seats. While Labour has 410. Even the Lib Dems managed 71.

It was the Tories worst defeat at a national election in their history. But only if you forget the EU elections in 2019. Which they try to. Because in that one, they came last.

In short, it was a disaster.

The next Tory brainwave was to give Labour a free run at their first hundred days in office while they faffed around for three months picking a new leader.

A three month long pygmy parade, which has generated all the hutzpah, thrills and excitement of spending a rainy Tuesday, sat in on your own, waiting for a plumber.

They can’t even get this right.

The results of the pipsqueak poll will be announced on Saturday the 2nd November.

So the Tories have chosen to sandwich their big reveal between Rachel Reeve’s horror show Halloween budget on the 31st October, and the American Presidential Election on the 5th. Two events which actually matter. It’s yet another massive unforced error.

That the Tories for you.

Useless in office. Useless out of office.

There have been two rounds in this election.

In round one Tory MPs were tasked with picking two winners from the initial pack of six losers.

And in the second round, the decision was passed to Tory Party members, regular folk, who must choose their favourite from these final two.

But who in their right mind would want to become the next Rishi Sunak?

A man who not only wrecked the British economy (twice), but eviscerated the Tory party, and, as his last meaningful act in office, single handedly managed to make Adidas Sambas uncool for a generation?

Those are tiny shoes to fill.

A quick recap of all six initial runners and riders.

Mel Stride. Never having heard of Mel before, I was confused. Mel? Genuinely for a long time I wasn’t sure if Mel was a man or woman. Melanie? Melcolm? Who knew?

Turns out Mel is a fella. Still maybe it wasn’t worth finding out after all, because Mel had all the staying power of an ice cream in a blast furnace. In fact his campaign fell apart so quickly you’d think he was sponsored by Boeing.

Next was James Cleverly. The one that Labour supposedly ‘feared the most’.

Yeah right Labour. *Winks*

Looking like Masterchef’s creepy Greg Wallace as recast by Netflix, the ironically named MP for Brain(less)tree proved his unsuitability for the Machiavellian machinations of high level politics when he managed to go from front placed hero to third placed zero in the space of 24 hours. Because he suddenly forgot how to count.

Priti Patel was on the ballot for a bit. Though I’m pretty sure she only threw her hat into the ring for shits and giggles.  Priti always liked to exude the air of a darkly dangerous dominatrix, but as Home Secretary never really exhibited any real appetite for the rough stuff. She was actually beaten in the first round by Mel Stride. Whoever she is.

And then there was Tom Something. Who made a big play of once being in the British Army.

What’s the big deal Tom? We’ve all been in the British Army.

OK. Maybe not technically. But I’ve played Call of Duty. (Really, really badly.) And once went on a Pride Parade by accident. And these days, I think that more or less covers it.

(This was back in the day when Pride was pretty much only LGB. As I was absentmindedly crossing Old Compton Street one sunny Sunday I got caught up in it all. Have to say. I had a lovely time.)

Anyway, Tom seemed a decent enough chap. If not quite Prime Minister material, then at least someone you’d trust to drive your mum back from the Day Centre. So good luck Tom whatever you do next. Can I humbly suggest geography teacher, or maybe setting up a Paint Ball Centre just off the M6?

Those four were eliminated in the first round. Which means we were left with the final two, Robert Jenrick, and Kemi Badenoch.

Both these candidates are from the right, by which I mean they are actual Conservatives, so that at least, makes a nice change.

Although of course you can’t just be from the right these days.  As keen viewers of the BBC know, (Anyone? Anyone at all? Angry gentleman at the back with the blue hair and placard? Sorry,  Lady at the back with the blue hair and placard. My mistake. Sorry Madam. I mean Miss. Ms. Mx.) nowadays you can only be from the ‘Far Right’ or ‘Hard Right’.

Fair enough. So no doubt both Jenrick and Badenoch hero worship Leni Riefenstahl, have a secret scheme to sell the NHS to Donald Trump, and plan, on Day One of their administration, to put trans people into concentration camps. OK. Sure. Whatever. *Yawns* Let’s move on.

Robert Jenrick looks like a fat man cosplaying a thin one. Because that’s exactly what he is.

In his oversized suits he has the air of a lardy estate agent who saved up all his money to travel to Turkey for gastric band surgery. Only to land back at Gatwick to discover that they are now dishing out Ozempic for free on the, ever generous, NHS.

Once considered so bland he was dismissed as Robert ‘Generic’, Jenrick seems to have had a Damascene conversion while working at the Immigration Office. He now pursues his mission to reduce immigration, with all the zealotry of the recently converted. And there’s the rub.

While I agree with much of what Jenrick has to say, he comes across as a single issue candidate, a one trick pony. And that tricky pony is his determination for the UK to leave the ECHR. The European Convention on Human Rights.

For what it’s worth I think the idea of leaving the ECHR is misguided, and to be honest, a bit lazy.

As a way to actually bring down both legal, and illegal immigration, and to rid ourselves of the ten thousand plus foreign criminals clogging up our prison system, it ranks down there with the Rwanda plan.

Look at the actual cases. Most of these rulings aren’t ‘made by the ECHR’.  They’re made by British judges here at home, who use the Convention to justify their decisions.

Our courts often cite Article 8, the infamous ‘Right to family life’ clause, to justify their refusal to deport foreign criminals, murderers and rapists. But if you actually look at the clause, I’ve popped it below, you can see that it is actually pretty robust.

There’s nothing here that I think most reasonable people would disagree with, and it certainly doesn’t say you can’t deport terrorists, crooks and scumbags. Maybe I’m missing something here. But I don’t think so.

The problem isn’t the ECHR as such. It’s an activist legal culture which is currently using any means necessary to promote its own anti-democratic agenda.

Leave the ECHR and leftist human rights lawyers will simply use the British court system to tie up cases in knots. Or they’ll use the House of Lords. Or environmental laws. Or the Equality Act. Or the terms and conditions on the back of your Tesco Clubcard. Whatever works.

The idea that illegal immigration could be halted by simply leaving the ECHR is yet another fantasy. And Jenrick should know better than try and sell it as otherwise.

And that brings us, finally to the favourite. Kemi Badenoch.

Badenoch seems firm and resolute in her beliefs. And those beliefs are that Kemi Badenoch is best at everything, and anyone who disagrees is a misguided fool.

This is perhaps both her best, and worst attribute.

Because on the one hand her personal style can be jarring. Yes, she can seem arrogant, and more than a little smug. But on the other, who’s ever heard of an outrageously rude, overly self confident, entertainingly blunt, and combative politician doing well with an electorate?

Another trait she shares with Donald Trump, and one which makes me personally warm to both, is that she really, really annoys all the right people. And it’s a joy to watch.

The Guardian reading virtue signallers. The pinch faced do gooders. The pearl clutching academics. The ‘right side of history’ blowhards. The race baiters, and the grievance grifters. All line up to denounce Kemi. And it’s absolutely glorious.

Some on the right believe that picking Kemi, a black immigrant woman, (if you hadn’t heard), as Tory leader might blunt the barbs of the left’s ever pontificating, puffed up, priggish prefecture.

That her elevation would somehow conclusively prove, actually, finally, and once and for all, that the party which has had three female Prime Ministers. (Just squeaking in there Liz). An ethnic minority PM. And more black ministers than The National Baptist Convention, is actually diverse and progressive.

And at long last, with Kemi as leader, they would have proved that point, and the charges of racism, bigotry and intolerance which plague the party, will fade away, like dawn shadows, once exposed to the radiant gap toothed smile, of their new, African Queen.

They are idiots.

The entire Tory cabinet could be filled by the Nigerian National Football Team and it wouldn’t be good enough for the shrilly intolerant, coconut calling, progressives.

And it’s not just race, the soft, centrist Tories have spent the last 14 years pathetically courting approval from their enemies on the left.

From husky hugger David Cameron and his ‘Vote Blue Go Green’ nonsense. To gay marriage (which I fully, and wholeheartedly support btw) and Theresa May’s insistence on the softest, weakest, limpest of all possible Brexits, (Please Madame Von Ursula, you decide how much we are allowed to leave, and how much we need to pay you for the privilege. Oh. And you can even keep Northern Ireland if you like). From enthusiastically joining in the attack on Free Speech, to using working people’s wages to bankroll the entire Net Zero grift.

Every time, and it’s been a lot of times, the Tories have moved to the left, the progressives have simply banked the win, and then immediately gone back to calling them fascists.

Why would it be any different with Badenoch?

But still. She seems to get the big picture. And despite some blips, and her association with the slimy Michael Gove, I’ve been broadly impressed, and charmed by her. So if I had a vote, which I don’t, I’d probably cast it for Kemi.

If I haven’t yet annoyed you enough, let’s move on, and talk about the elephant in the room. (Relax ‘Rob’. I don’t mean your former, fuller figure.) We’re talking about Reform.

Many are arguing that this leadership election is an irrelevance. Claiming that the Tories are finished anyway, (Yes, I’m guilty of doing that myself) and that the future of the British right is safe in the yellow fingered hands of Nigel Farage.

Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s clear that unless someone manages to unite, and then energise, the right, then we will be condemning ourselves to a doom loop of far left Labour government through the next election cycle and beyond.

But can boozy, blokey, Brexity, Nigel ever appeal to one nation Tories, or middle class Labour voters? Enough to win a parliamentary majority? I like Nigel, and I’ve voted for him in his various iterations more than once, and yet, I remain unconvinced.

I wrote about my scepticism before the election. When I defended Farage from the smear that he was a Putin apologist, for simply repeating the widely held, mainstream opinion, that the threat of NATO expansion had contributed to the invasion of Ukraine. If you like, you can read that here…..

I watched Nigel Farage in person this week at a Spectator event in London.

He was brimming with confidence. Funny and engaging. It was a great evening. But my concerns about him were only reinforced.

Sure, he told some great stories and made some excellent points, but ultimately, it was all about Nigel.

It’s clear that Nige sees himself as a sort of Trump Mini Me. With his people seemingly attempting to control the wording of Freddy Gray’s introduction, and stipulating his walk on music.

It might work on a big American stage, or at a Trump rally, and I know many of my readers are huge fans, but frankly here in Britain, in the heart of Westminster, it was all a bit cringe.

Farage keeps talking about broadening Reform’s appeal. But for all the chat about him being ‘The Tik-Tok Man’. I’m not sure he really has the power to reach college and university students. I mean young committed voters who would knock on doors for him. Rather than just stop him in the street, and ask for a selfie. Maybe I’m wrong on this.

But I worry if the right puts all its money on Reform. It will come out of the 2029 election echoing Jeremy Corbyn in 2017.

‘Well we might have lost the election, but we won the argument.‘

Yeah. Sorry. But not good enough.

Whoever wins the Tory leadership election, and whatever role Farage has to play in the future of British politics, one thing is for sure.

It cannot be business as usual, more complacency, capitulation, concession and leftward drift. The right needs to formulate a proper plan to roll back, and ultimately reverse, the left’s long march through the institutions.

To wrest power back from self satisfied technocrats and place it back into the hands of our democratically elected representatives. So that Parliament, not a crony appointed Supreme Court, international institutions, or a ‘deep state’ beholden to the huffy whims of an out of touch bureaucratic class, is able to reassert itself as this nation’s ultimate authority.

As messy, chaotic, and unsatisfactory as that might turn out to be.

And most of all we need not just a leader, but a entire party and maybe even a movement, which is not scared to enthusiastically, consistently and convincingly make the argument that Freedom of Speech, is not a roadblock to liberty, an analogue of ‘hate’, or a tool of the oppressor. But is in fact, the one essential freedom on which every other one of our individual rights and freedoms depends.

There is a lot at stake.

For the Tory party, its next leader can be one of three things. A caretaker, like Michael Howard. A risk taker, like David Cameron.  Or it’s undertaker, like Rishi Sunak.

Which will it be? We’re about to find out.

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Thank you for reading Low Status Opinions.

There was a lot more I could have written about this Tory Party election. Especially about Jenrick and Badenoch. But I wanted to keep it short(ish) and snappy.

I’m sure, as I say in the piece, that many of my readers are keen Reform supporters and Never Tories who see this contest in very different terms to me. I’ll be interested to read your hot takes in the comments.

One thing though. I spent far too much time last week policing my comments section. It was annoying, and frankly a bit depressing.

I’m happy to have readers disagree with me, point out my mistakes, or ask questions. What I’m not happy to do is allow my Substack to become a platform for the sort of identity politics and racism from the right, which I condemn in my writing, when it comes from the left. So next time I’m just going to delete and block.

Also. I’ve had a couple of ‘shouters’ recently. I’m not sure they even read the articles to be honest. But anyway. I’m not going to engage next time. So if you see a load of deleted comments below, you’ll know why.

Everyone else. Please let me know what you think. Who, if anyone, are you supporting? Do you think Jenrick is on the right track? Is Kemi a Gove stooge? Or are the Tories a done deal? Will Reform grow from here, or like the (excellent) SDP, will it fizzle out and fade? And I know I have lots of readers in the US and beyond, so it would be good to get your perspective on all this, and especially Farage. I look forward to hearing from you.

And finally subscriptions please! And for those who don’t want to commit. Here’s my Buy Me A Coffee button.👆 Thanks so much for the hugely generous coffees last time. You know who you are. I am extremely grateful.

ATB

LSO