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Bettina's avatar

Thought for a minute you'd made a mistake and gone to France for a holiday!

My vote for laughiest out loud this week goes to: "One in-one out? We are the sovereign nation of Great Britain. Not a newsagent’s outside a school."

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Thanks Bettina!

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Jeremy's avatar

Macron is of course correct when he says that our blind acceptance of almost anyone, with open arms, bags of cash, free accommodation and a black economy just waiting for them, are the reason that these immigrants want to come to Britain.

I think Starmer's "one in, one out" idea is based on the deterrent effect claimed for Rwanda. The supporters of Rwanda always said that we didn't actually have to send lots of people there, because if the illegal immigrants realised that was their fate, they would stop coming. There were some signs of immigrants fleeing to Eire before the election to avoid a one way ticket to Rwanda.

Unfortunately Starmer's plan will not achieve the same result. 50 people is probably less than 5% of the numbers crossing every week, so that's not really a deterrent, particularly as what will happen is that they will simply be on the next boat over, once returned to France. The people smugglers can just give everyone crossing a personal coupon giving them a second crossing for free. The probability of being sent back twice is 5% squared, or 0.25%, and that's no deterrent at all (you are more likely to die trying to cross than be sent back twice).

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

A great point as ever Jeremy. I think Macron is 100% correct. It’s like having a 100m race with a million pounds at the finish line. Starmer, just like the Tories, is attempting to stop the flow of eager runners by adding a few hurdles, when the solution is blindingly obvious, remove the million pound bounty. ATB.

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Bill Eaton's avatar

Another great piece from LSO, as usual I do not know whether to laugh or cry. Will we (can we) survive long enough to see the end of this insanity?

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Let’s hope so Bill. Though this madness is so entrenched, with so many people now dependant on the state for everything from their kids lunch to their own wages, I worry it is unfixable.

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alexei's avatar

Correct me if I'm wrong but I seem to remember school lunches were free when my kids were at school in the 60s/70s. When did this change?

P.S. I'm no longer in the UK so can't keep up with everything......

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Ragged Clown's avatar

I went to school in the 70s and only the poorest kids got free lunches.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Genuinely can’t remember alexei. I’m really struggling to remember even my senior school. Weirdly I can still taste the hot dogs they used to serve, but I can’t remember if we had to pay for them!

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alexei's avatar

I just checked with my daughter and she's sure school meals at junior school were free but not at senior school, where most pupils brought their own lunches. Both were state schools and I don't remember as a parent ever receiving a bill for meals. Such a long time ago, memories are somewhat hazy.....

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Michael Zeffertt's avatar

I have devised the perfect way to avoid the wealth tax. If you give all your money to your kids they will have to pay the tax instead!

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Genius! But please don’t suggest that to my kids.

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Giulia Hunt's avatar

Brilliant. I think I will sneak any savings I have to my kids and go on the pension credit - everyone else is doing it!

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Ragged Clown's avatar

That's my plan.

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Stout Yeoman's avatar

"...since one, minus one, plus one, is one..." . That's the old arithmetic. Under the new Diane Abbott arithemitic now fully adopted by the Labour Party (and Reeves in particular) it is -5. Hail the new arithmetic, so much better than the old.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Ha ha I’d forgotten about Diane’s math skills. The delight is in the pomposity of her wrongness. We’ll miss her when she’s gone.

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Mike Feilden's avatar

Must take issue with the thought of handing over The Isle of Sheppey to les grenouilles - that's my homeland you're talking out - also I have Parkinson's so the thought of being less popular than Greg Wallace is really depressing - other than that totally hilarious.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Sorry to hear you have the big P Mike. I have a few friends who have suffered valiantly with it for years. Hope you’re doing OK. All the very best to you.

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Mike Feilden's avatar

Thanks for the kind words - my symptons are far less than some have to put up with - as my consultant says ' keep taking the tablets man' - I only twitch or fall over if I'm angling for sympathy.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Good to hear Mike.

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Francesca Dixon's avatar

Point of Order, Guardian readers are the wealthy but being sozzled most of the time they don’t realise it. Most G readers are like the mothers around here who speed through the 20mph zones so their children aren’t late for school. The very reason there are such low speed limits in the first place. They are precisely the ladies who called for nay demanded lowered speed limits to protect their littlies from speeding drivers.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

I give way to your point of order Francesca.

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Andrew's avatar

Extraordinary wealth of wisdom spanning a host of subjects. Bless you.

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

An extraordinarily generous comment Andrew. Thanks and bless you right back! 👍

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Pea Bea's avatar

In a masochistic way, this was a delight to read. Going to get some sackcloth and ashes to continue the feeling of despair. Merci beaucoup!

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Thanks Pea. Pas de quoi!

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alexei's avatar

Hilariously disheartening!

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ZuZu’s Petals's avatar

LS, you’re on fire today. What a start to the morning.

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Giulia Hunt's avatar

To be lectured by a failed and widely disliked French Prez on just how thick we Brits are is enough to make you weep

Great read. Love the lyricism of your columns!

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

🙏 Julia

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Ian hannay's avatar

Fabufinglous. Every word true and wonderfully written. I laughed out loud at all of your wonderful descriptions and absolutely agree with them all. You write the way I think!

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Ragged Clown's avatar

Nothing to argue about today. Je suis desolé.

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Michael's avatar

I enjoy your discrete humor. But someone needs to take it to those in need of vain arrogance am I right? I mean am I right? Don’t you bet on it!

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Eric Ward's avatar

Just love your prose. More than happy to contribute to the cause. Great stuff!

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Low Status Opinions's avatar

Thanks Eric!

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